Negotiating Teen Boundaries: Parenting Without Power Struggles
Parenting a teenager can feel like standing beside someone who is bravely learning how the world works for the very first time. Teens are wired to push, to test, to stretch themselves into new territory; and even when they look full of confidence, they’re often feeling the fear underneath. Their brains are urging them forward into independence, yet what they need most in this stage is a strong, steady sense of where the edges are.
In this week’s Let’s All Talk Mental Health online session, “Negotiating Teen Boundaries: Parenting Without Power Struggles,” Clinical Psychologist Dr Bettina Hohnen offered clarity, compassion and practical tools to help parents through these new territories with with more steadiness and less friction.
Drawing on her expertise in neurodiversity, attachment and adolescent development, Dr Hohnen explained why boundaries matter, how to set them without constant conflict, and how to adapt your approach to the individual needs of your teenager.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are far more than rules, they’re the frameworks that help teenagers feel safe as they step into their growing independence. They’re not about control; they’re about security. Boundaries give teens the sense that someone is holding the frame while they work out who they’re becoming. They also teach relationship skills, emotional responsibility, and how our behaviour affects others - lessons they’ll carry into adult life. And despite the bravado, teenagers often feel uncertain, scared, and emotionally up-and-down. Healthy boundaries offer:
Security: Clear limits help teens understand the world and their role within it.
Predictability: Knowing the consequences of choices helps them feel grounded.
Relationship Skills: Boundaries teach essential lessons about respect, negotiation and responsibility.
As Dr Hohnen noted, teenagers may not thank you for boundaries now, but many will appreciate them later in life.
Being “Kind and Strong”
One of the biggest challenges for parents is balancing warmth with authority. Dr Hohnen encouraged adopting a simple but powerful mantra: be kind and strong.
Kindness means showing interest in your teenager’s perspective, acknowledging their feelings and demonstrating genuine care.
Strength means holding the line - knowing what is in their best interests and not bending the boundary simply to avoid conflict.
This balance helps teenagers feel both supported and guided, nurturing trust even when they push back.
Managing Conflict and Your Own Emotional Reactions
Conflict is normal and unavoidable. What matters is how parents respond to it.
Dr Hohnen emphasised the importance of staying regulated, especially when teens trigger our own “raw spots” which are little perforations in our emotional skins, and are sensitive emotional areas shaped by past experiences. Recognising these triggers helps parents pause, breathe and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
A calm adult nervous system is one of the most powerful tools for de-escalating teenage tension.
Boundaries Should Evolve as Teens Mature
Teenagers need increasing autonomy as they grow. Boundaries should therefore shift gradually, allowing more independence in line with demonstrated responsibility.
This isn’t about suddenly lifting restrictions; it’s about:
Handing over responsibilities in stages
Modelling and reinforcing positive behaviours
Allowing teens to earn freedoms
Building their confidence in self-management
This approach supports the development of their own self-regulation skills that teenagers will rely on throughout adulthood.
Supporting Neurodiverse Teenagers
For neurodiverse teens, boundaries are just as important but may need other considerations.
Dr Hohnen encouraged parents to:
Understand their teenager’s unique challenges - whether around time management, transitions, sensory/auditory needs or emotional regulation
Plan ahead to minimise stress
Use positive, strengths-based language
Create clear structures that increase the chance of success
With thoughtful adjustments, boundaries can empower neurodiverse teenagers without overwhelming them.
Strategies for Setting Effective Boundaries
Dr Hohnen offered several practical strategies to help parents establish boundaries that work:
1. Discuss and Set Clear Expectations: Listen, but also state what you expect, and why and what will happen if the expectation isn’t met - simply and consistently.
2. Stay Consistent: Avoid shifting boundaries in response to emotional outbursts. Consistency reinforces their purpose - teens will know if you are likely to change your mind, they are relentless!
3. Show Empathy: You can hold a boundary and be warm. “I understand this is frustrating” goes a long way.
4. Encourage Self-Regulation: Help teens build the skills to manage time, emotions and responsibilities.
5. Lead with Curiosity and Compassion: Understanding the “why” behind a teen’s resistance opens the door to cooperation.
Looking Ahead
Dr Hohnen’s insights offer a roadmap for important lifeskills that are both challenging and rewarding as teenagers go through the process of adulting.Boundaries, when set with empathy and consistency, help create a safe environment where young people can supportively flourish.
Watch the full session on the Let’s all Talk Mental Health hub now - log in or register HERE.
Other resources: If you’d like to go deeper, Dr Hohnen’s upcoming courses on Connected Teens (runs January) and Embracing Neurodiversity in the Teenage Years (runs in February), offering further focussed strategies and support for parents.