Understanding Autism: A Parent's Perspective
How can parents support their neurodiverse teen’s emotional wellbeing and social development when they thrive in some areas, but struggle in others?
In this week’s session, we talked to Dr. Sheila Redfern, Author, Consultant Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist and Head of Family Trauma at the Anna Freud Centre, who has over 30 years’ experience supporting the mental health of children, young people, and families. We discussed supporting neurodiverse children, particularly those with autism and how to recognise and respond to their individual needs in order to support their emotional and social development.
Understanding Neurodiversity
Dr Redfern talked about how important it is for parents to develop a clear understanding of their child’s neurodiversity, and how that often starts well before any formal diagnosis. It’s about noticing the small things: particular behaviours, sensitivities, or ways of coping. Parents are encouraged to trust their instincts and share what they know with teachers and others involved in their child’s care so that the right support can be put in place, whether that’s around noise sensitivity, social situations, or anything else that might help them feel more at ease.
Reflective Parenting
Dr Redfern explained the idea of reflective parenting, and the importance of ‘mentalising’. This is about trying to think about what might be going on in a child’s mind, rather than just reacting to their behaviour. It’s about stepping back and asking, “What might they be feeling right now?” rather than focusing solely on what they’ve done. This approach can really help when managing difficult behaviour, especially if a parent can stay calm and grounded themselves. It also helps build a sense of perspective, which is something that neurodiverse teens often find hard to grasp.
Masking and Burnout
Dr Redfern talked about masking - when neurodiverse children hide their true feelings or behaviours to fit in socially. While it can help them get by, it often leaves them completely drained. She shared some helpful ways parents can support their child to drop the mask and be their authentic self, like encouraging downtime after school, letting them retreat to a quiet space without pressure to talk, and making home a place where they can fully be themselves.
Educational Challenges
Dr. Redfern discussed how school can be really challenging for neurodiverse children, especially those with anxiety. She suggested that parents work with schools to explore appropriate support options, such as staggered start times, smaller class sizes, quieter spaces, or more flexible routines.
Emotional and Social Development
Dr. Redfern explained how helping neurodiverse teens understand themselves and their differences can improve their self-esteem and mental health, such as encouraging them to find activities that energise them and connect with peers to share similar experiences. She also referenced Tony Attwood’s concept of “energy accounting,” which helps teens recognise how different activities affect their energy +/-.
Managing Emotions
Parents of neurodiverse children may go through a range of emotions, including grief and loss, all of which are valid, but it's important for them to find their own support systems to help. Being able to embrace a child's neurodiversity and focusing on their strengths may take time to feel authentic, but can lead to more fulfilling parenting experiences, relationships and outcomes for their autistic children.
Supporting neurodiverse children requires patience, empathy, and the ability to adapt. Reflective parenting, recognising individual needs, and encouraging self-awareness can really make a difference. The path through parenthood isn’t always smooth, but with support, structure, and the right resources, families can unite through the challenges and enjoy the positive moments.