A Question of Consent: Talking to your teen about sex
In this week’s Let’s All Talk Mental Health session, we were joined by Jessica Hawley, a specialist in teen mental health and CEO of The RAP Foundation, for a powerful and much-needed conversation about how to talk to teenagers about sex, consent, and healthy boundaries.
As Jessica reminded us, consent is not just a checkbox - it’s a lifelong concept rooted in respect, communication, and personal empowerment. In today’s hyper-connected world, where teens face a barrage of information (and misinformation), understanding consent is more critical than ever.
Why Start the Conversation Early?
Jessica started by emphasising that conversations about consent should begin long before the topic of sex even enters the picture. For young children, this might look like learning to respect personal space, understanding that it’s okay to say “no” to a hug, and recognising their own boundaries. As they grow, these conversations should evolve naturally - eventually including digital safety, relationships, and sex.
By the time teens are navigating more complex emotional and physical relationships, they should already have a foundation built on self-respect and the ability to communicate their limits confidently.
Understanding Consent: Beyond the Legal Basics
In the UK, the legal age of consent is 16. But as Jessica pointed out, legal definitions are only the starting point. For consent to be meaningful, it must be:
Freely given
Informed
Specific
Revocable at any time
This means that consent cannot be given under pressure, manipulation, or the influence of alcohol or drugs. It also means that someone can change their mind at any time - and that decision must be respected without question.
Addressing Peer Pressure and Rejection
A big part of Jessica’s session focused on the emotional side of consent. Teenagers often experience intense peer pressure, especially when they’re trying to fit in or explore new relationships. That pressure can sometimes lead them to ignore their own discomfort - or, just as concerning, dismiss someone else's.
Teens need help understanding that rejection isn’t a personal attack, and that true confidence comes from respecting another person’s “no” without resentment. Encouraging this mindset builds empathy, resilience, and healthier relationships.
The Media and Misinformation Minefield
Jessica also tackled the thorny issue of media and pornography, both of which often distort what sex and relationships look like. With online content just a click away, teens are frequently exposed to unrealistic - and sometimes harmful - ideas about intimacy and consent.
Parents and educators need to counteract this with honest, judgement-free conversations. Ask your teen what they’re seeing online. Talk about how the media can glamorise unhealthy dynamics. Help them develop critical thinking skills so they can separate fact from fiction.
Practical Ways to Start the Conversation
For many adults, talking to teens about sex and consent can feel awkward or confrontational. Jessica suggested using indirect methods - like referencing a news story, TV show, or YouTube video - to open up a conversation. These cultural touchpoints make the discussion feel more natural and less like a lecture.
But the most important factor? Building trust. Teens are much more likely to come to you with questions or concerns if they know they won’t be judged or punished for making mistakes. Let them know it’s safe to talk, and listen with empathy.
Empowerment Through Education
Jessica’s insights align with the mission of her organisation, The Rap Foundation, which focuses on consent education and youth empowerment. Their work highlights that education is about more than just risk prevention - it’s about helping young people understand their own worth and make informed decisions that reflect their values. For more information, visit The RAP Foundation’s website.
Final Thoughts: It Starts With Self-Respect
At the heart of it all, consent is about valuing yourself and others. As Jessica said, ‘The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.’ When teens understand their own boundaries and respect those of others, they’re more equipped to navigate the complexities of relationships - online and offline - with confidence and care.
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or young person yourself, talking about consent isn’t a one-time event - it’s an ongoing dialogue. And together, we can build a culture where respect, safety, and self-worth are the norm.