How you can help a Teen who Self-Harms

This week’s Let’s all Talk Mental Health session tackled an issue that continues to concern many families: self-harm among teenagers. We were joined by Dr. Monika Parkinson, Chartered Clinical Psychologist and author of When Teens Self-Harm: How Parents, Teachers and Professionals Can Provide Calm and Compassionate Support. With over two decades of experience in the NHS, higher education, and private practice, Dr. Parkinson brought clarity, compassion, and practical advice to a complex and sensitive topic.

Why Teens Self-Harm

Self-harm is increasingly common among young people, with around 25% having self-harmed at least once, and 15% doing so regularly. But while the statistics are sobering, understanding the why behind the behavior is key.

Self-harm is often used as a coping mechanism to manage overwhelming emotions - such as guilt, sadness, trauma, shame, depression, or severe anxiety. It is not always linked to a diagnosable mental health condition, nor should it be dismissed as attention-seeking. In fact, many young people who self-harm do so secretly, driven by emotional distress they find difficult to articulate or regulate.

What Self-Harm Can Look Like

When people hear ‘self-harm,’ they often think of cutting, but it can take many forms. Burning, head-banging, and substance misuse are also common. These behaviours are harmful, but for many teens, they serve a functional purpose: to feel relief, gain a sense of control, or express internal pain.

The Role of Parents and Caregivers

Discovering that a child is self-harming can be incredibly distressing for any parent or caregiver. The instinct to protect and ‘fix’ things is natural. However, how adults respond in those first moments, and beyond, can make a significant difference in whether a young person feels safe to ask for help.

Strategies for Parents

Dr. Parkinson shared several key strategies for supporting a teen who is self-harming:

• Stay Calm and Open: Model calm and accepting behaviour. This encourages the young person to open up and helps in regulating emotions.
  

• Practical Communication: Use a warm tone and non-confrontational body language. Sitting side by side can be less intimidating and more inviting for conversation.
  

• Direct and Compassionate Communication: Be honest and direct in conversations about self-harm. Validate the young person's feelings and offer support without judgement.
  

• Collaborative Problem Solving: Work with the young person to find alternative coping strategies and minimise impulsive self-harming behaviours.

• Self-Care for Parents: Parents should prioritise their well-being to be present and supportive. Engaging in activities that replenish their energy can help them be more effective in supporting their child.

How Schools Can Help

Ideally, Schools should provide safe spaces where students can go to regulate their emotions, alongside access to staff trained in mental health support, but this isn't always available. Trust and open communication between the school, the family, and the student are essential to building a strong support network.

Addressing Underlying Mental Health Concerns

Self-harm can often coexist with depression or anxiety. While it's important to address the self-harming behaviour, it’s also necessary to understand and treat the root causes. Parents and caregivers can support recovery by reducing stress in the home, encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, and seeking professional help when needed. As Dr. Parkinson reminded us, distressing emotions are temporary and, with the right support, young people can and do get better.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a teenager who is self-harming is not about having all the answers,  it's about being present, staying connected, and approaching the situation with compassion and calm. With open communication, healthy boundaries, and access to the right support, families can help young people to respond differently to emotional pain and build better ways of coping in the future.

For more insights, Dr. Monika Parkinson’s book When Teens Self-Harm is an excellent resource for parents, teachers, and professionals.