Friendships have always been super important to teenagers. What’s changed is the way those friendships happen. Our teenagers can spend all day together at school, continue talking on group chats all evening and see what everyone else is doing online. There isn't always much opportunity to switch off. And when something goes wrong, it can feel enormous. As parents, watching our teenager feel rejected, left out or hurt often means we want to jump in and try to sort it out.
This week, psychologist and parenting expert Dr Maryhan Munt joined us to talk about the ups and downs of teenage friendships, and how we can support our teenagers without always trying to fix things for them.
Why does it hurt so much?
For teenagers, friendships are a huge part of working out who they are outside their family. As teens, they are also particularly sensitive to acceptance, judgements and rejection.
Dr Maryhan explained that social rejection is processed in the same area of the brain as physical pain. So when our teenager is devastated because they haven't been invited somewhere, a friend has suddenly gone cold or they feel pushed out of a group, it legitimately can feel incredibly painful.
Teenagers can also be quick to read a side-eye, an ambiguous look or a laugh as a sign that they’re being judged, mocked or rejected. Something that might seem relatively small to us can feel huge to them. So “don't take it personally” probably isn't going to help very much.
What if they haven't found their people yet?
For some teenagers, the difficulty isn't a fallout. It's finding friends in the first place.
Not every teenager wants or needs a big group. Some will be much happier with one or two people they feel really comfortable with. If they're already struggling, repeatedly asking “Who did you sit with?”, “Who did you talk to?” or “Why don't you ask someone to meet up?” can make friendship feel like yet another thing they're not getting right.
Dr Maryhan suggested taking some of that pressure away and widening the possibilities. Look at their interests and where else they might meet people they have something in common with, whether that's through school, hobbies, clubs or activities.
Sometimes there may also be small social skills we can help them practise: how to start a conversation, ask if they can join someone for lunch or simply know what to say next.
For neurodivergent teenagers, some of those unwritten social rules can be particularly difficult. The aim isn't to change who they are, but to give them useful tools while helping them find people with whom they can genuinely be themselves.
Friendships change
And even when our teenagers have found their people, those friendships won't necessarily stay the same. Friendships ebb and flow, particularly during the teenage years when young people themselves are changing so much.
Dr Maryhan talked about friendships having different seasons and reasons. The person who was exactly the right friend at eight or twelve may not necessarily be the right friend at fifteen. That's not always easy for a teenager to accept, particularly when they're desperate to hold on to a friendship or stay part of a particular group.
It can help to remind them that friendship doesn't have to come from one place. There are school friends, neighbours, cousins and people they meet through hobbies and activities. Different friends may also play different roles in their lives.
When they're upset, manage yourself first
Of course, knowing that friendships change doesn't make it any easier when our teenager is the one who's hurting. When somebody hurts them, it's very easy for us to become hurt or angry on their behalf. Sometimes their experience can even take us straight back to something that happened to us at 13 or 15.
Dr Maryhan's advice was to regulate ourselves first. Our teenager needs to borrow some of our calm when they're upset, rather than us adding another layer of emotion to an already difficult situation.
That doesn't mean we can't tell them that we've experienced something similar. But listen first. Understand what's actually happened before racing ahead with what we think they should do.
Heart in, hands off
And that's where one of Maryhan's simplest pieces of advice comes in:
Heart in. Hands off.
Our instinct can be to become the fixer. We want to give advice, phone the school or decide that a particular friend is bad news.
Instead, Maryhan encouraged us to think of ourselves as the coach. Our heart is completely in it: we listen, acknowledge how they feel and let them know we're there. But our hands stay off long enough to give them the chance to work out what they might want to do themselves.
Because friendships aren't just about having people to spend time with. They're also where teenagers learn how to deal with disagreements, misunderstandings, changing relationships, disappointment and conflict.
Which friendships actually make you feel good?
Of course, sometimes as a parent you can see quite clearly that a particular friendship isn't making your teenager happy, long before they can see it themselves.
Dr Maryhan had a really useful way of helping teenagers think about this: red friends and green friends.
Green friends are the people you can be yourself around. You come away from spending time with them feeling good, comfortable and energised.
Red friends may be people you enjoy in smaller doses, but perhaps you don't feel completely yourself around them, or you come away feeling a little worse rather than better.
Rather than telling our teenager “they're not a good friend”, we can ask:
How do you feel after spending time with them?
What do you enjoy about the friendship?
What don't you enjoy?
It gives them the chance to start recognising those patterns for themselves, rather than us making the decision for them.
But sometimes we do need to step in
Heart in, hands off doesn't mean ignoring something serious.
If a friendship becomes persistent, one-sided or controlling, or we're seeing changes in our teenager's mood, sleep, behaviour or wellbeing, it may be time to become more involved.
Wherever possible, Maryhan suggested doing that with our teenager rather than around them. Talk about what you've noticed and agree together what the next step might be, including speaking to school if that's needed.
If they won't talk but you're seeing significant changes and are genuinely concerned, it may still be appropriate to speak to school and ask whether they've noticed anything too.
Hug, listen or help?
And finally, Maryhan left us with one question that could probably be useful in all sorts of situations, not just friendship dramas:
“Do you want a hug, a listen, or help thinking it through?”
Sometimes they want comfort. Sometimes they simply need to tell us how awful something feels. And sometimes they genuinely want our help working out what to do next. Asking means we don't have to guess.
Perhaps that's the balance with teenage friendships: staying close enough that they know we're there, while giving them enough space to learn how to manage their relationships for themselves.
Heart in. Hands off. At least until our hands really are needed.
Watch Now
Watch Friendships, Fallouts & Fitting In: How to Support Your Teen Socially with Dr Maryhan Munt here in the Let’s All Talk Mental Health Hub.
You'll also find other sessions in the Hub looking at friendships and the challenges that can come with them, just use the search function to find them.
Resources
Podcast: How to not Screw Up Your Kids by Dr Maryhan - there are sessions on friendship in this series.