Overwhelmed Teens: Anxiety, Avoidance and Finding Your Parental Authority
Adolescence has always been emotionally intense, but many parents feel that today’s teenagers are carrying more than ever. Academic pressure, social comparison, online life and constant connectivity can create a level of stress that tips from ordinary anxiety into overwhelm.
In this week’s Let’s All Talk Mental Health session, host Tara Dolby was joined by our resident Clinical Psychologist, Dr Sarah Jane Knight, to talk about overwhelmed teens, anxiety, avoidance and how parents can respond with calm, confident authority rather than control or panic.
Stress or overwhelm?
Stress is not the enemy. Anxiety is a normal human response. None of us escape it. The key question isn’t “Is my teen stressed?” but rather:
Has something shifted significantly?
Is their resilience lower than usual?
Are their reactions more intense or lasting longer?
Has their behaviour changed in a marked way?
Some teenagers are naturally more anxious by temperament. Others are more laidback. As parents, you often know your child’s baseline. It’s the noticeable shift that matters.
There are also predictable stress points:
Transition to secondary school
GCSE and A-level years
Friendship breakdowns or social changes
Break-ups
Feeling excluded
These experiences can feel overwhelming to teenagers who don’t yet have the life experience to normalise intense emotional reactions. What feels temporary to an adult can feel catastrophic to a 14-year-old. So sometimes the most helpful first step is simply increasing emotional availability and slightly reducing pressure, rather than rushing to fix.
Behaviour is a signal, not the problem
When teens are stressed, behaviour often deteriorates. Irritability increases. Doors slam. Language worsens. Motivation drops. It’s easy to focus on the behaviour as the problem. But behaviour is usually the signal. If the only goal is to “stop the behaviour,” parents often find themselves locked in daily battles. A more helpful question is:
What’s driving this behaviour? What does this behaviour mean?
That doesn’t mean allowing unsafe behaviour. Sneaking out at night, for example, must be addressed. But allowing a certain degree of door-slamming and swearing during a stressful patch may require a different response. Sometimes one calm sentence is enough:
“I didn’t like being spoken to that way. I know you’re stressed. We’ll talk later.”
Avoid lecture mode. Teens usually know when they’ve overstepped. Lengthy explanations rarely help when emotions are running high.
Pick your battles
When a teen is overwhelmed, trying to correct everything can escalate stress for both of you. Dr Knight emphasised keeping the fundamentals in place:
School attendance
Reasonable sleep
Food
Some movement/exercise
Some social contact
Beyond that, ask:
What truly matters?
What is non-negotiable?
What can temporarily soften?
If everything becomes a battleground, connection suffers.
The power of “not now”
Timing matters. When emotions are running high, the brain isn’t in a state to process reasoning. Taking space isn’t avoidance; it’s regulation. Instead of escalating, try:
“We’re both a bit worked up. Let’s pause and come back to this.”
This models emotional regulation. It shows that stepping away is strength, not weakness. Often, if something truly matters, it will come back around naturally. Not every misstep requires a full debrief.
Small steps beat big expectations
When teens feel overwhelmed, large goals can feel impossible. A possible solution is chunking where you break everything down to small parts:
Reduce revision to 10-minute blocks.
Tidy one drawer, not the whole room.
Improve sleep by 15 minutes earlier, not two hours.
Remove phones from the dinner table before tackling total screen limits.
Start with the smallest, most achievable step. Success builds momentum. Overwhelm shrinks when tasks feel manageable. The same applies to connection. Three peaceful minutes in the kitchen is a win. Sitting together watching something light on TV can be enough to lower tension.
School anxiety: scaffolding, not siding
School-related anxiety is common. Parents can help by:
Simplifying mornings.
Reducing decision-making load.
Adding nurture after school.
Breaking terms into smaller, tolerable chunks.
Collaborating calmly with school.
What’s less helpful is joining in some of their negativity about teachers or school systems. While schools aren’t perfect, reinforcing hopelessness can deepen avoidance. Instead:
“That sounds really hard. Let’s think about what might make this week easier.”
Support without fuelling despair.
Hormones and emotional spikes
For some girls, the two days before a period can bring intense overwhelm or despair. Naming it gently and normalising it can help:
Anticipate it.
Increase nurture.
Reduce pressure where possible.
Create a simple “care plan” together.
If symptoms are severe or disruptive, seeking GP advice is appropriate. But for many, it’s about compassion and planning rather than panic.
Motivation and the phone
The disengaged teen glued to their phone is a familiar picture. Try to remember:
Adolescent motivation systems are still developing.
Comparison culture online amplifies feelings of inadequacy.
Discipline and long-term perspective mature slowly.
Start small:
No phones at meals.
Capture connection in the car.
Watch something familiar and funny together.
Build from tiny wins.
Progress in adolescence is rarely linear. Expect two steps forward, one step back.
Parental authority (without control)
The session closed with a powerful concept: parental authority, drawn from nonviolent resistance parenting approaches.
Parental authority is not harshness.
It is not punishment.
It is not control.
It is calm, firm, grounded confidence.
It looks like:
Knowing your non-negotiables.
Not negotiating everything.
Holding boundaries without shouting.
Staying regulated (or pausing when you’re not).
Believing your intentions are loving and sound.
Children feel safest when boundaries are clear and consistent. Containment reduces anxiety, even if they protest. Negotiation has its place. But negotiating everything erodes stability. Rights come with responsibilities. If curfews extend, responsibility must grow alongside them.
Regulation starts with you
One practical tool offered was grounding yourself before engaging. Notice your body:
Is your jaw tight?
Are your shoulders raised?
Is your face tense?
Relaxing your physical posture can de-escalate the interaction before words are even spoken. Teens are highly attuned to non-verbal signals. When you regulate, you start to model regulation.
Takeaway
You don’t need to be perfectly calm. You don’t need to win every battle. You don’t need to solve everything immediately. What matters most is this:
Focus on what’s underneath behaviour.
Start smaller than you think.
Pause rather than escalate.
Choose your boundaries thoughtfully.
Believe in your right to hold them.
Parental authority is not about dominance. It’s about grounded steadiness. And in a world that often feels overwhelming to teenagers, steady is powerful.
Watch Now
You can watch the full Let’s All Talk Mental Health session with Dr Sarah Jane Knight here on the hub, alongside our growing library of expert-led recordings. As always, these sessions offer guidance and insight, but if you’re worried about your teen’s wellbeing, do seek personalised advice from your GP or healthcare professional.