Teens, Tech & Online Safety: What Parents Can’t Always See
Teenagers can be sitting safely at home, while at the same time being exposed to a world online that we may know very little about.
This week we were honoured to be joined by Ellen Roome MBE, Jools’ mum and an international campaigner for children’s online safety.
Following the death of her 14 year old son Jools in 2022, Ellen began campaigning to understand more about what children are seeing and experiencing online, and for greater accountability from the technology companies responsible for the platforms they use.
It was an incredibly honest conversation, but also a really practical one. Ellen’s message to parents wasn’t that we can possibly watch everything our teenagers do online. We can’t. Instead, we need to understand more about the digital world they are growing up in, put sensible safeguards in place and, above all, keep talking to them. Here are some of the many things we took away from the conversation.
Their Online World Is Bigger Than We Think
It isn’t just TikTok, Instagram or Snapchat. Gaming platforms, messaging functions and apps that appear relatively harmless can all give young people opportunities to communicate with other people or encounter content that parents may not expect.
Ellen encouraged parents to become curious about the actual apps, games and platforms their teenager uses, rather than assuming we know what they do.
Hidden Risks
Some of Ellen’s examples were shocking because they involved places parents might assume are relatively harmless.
She talked about pornographic content being accessible through Spotify, children being exposed to extreme violence including beheadings, disturbing content appearing within seemingly child friendly videos and games, and a case of copycat animal cruelty highlighted during the conversation. She also warned how easily teenagers can be offered and buy drugs through social media, including Snapchat and Instagram.
The point wasn't to frighten or alarm parents, but to remind us not to assume that an app, game or platform is safe simply because it wasn't designed as social media or appears child friendly.
Don't Just Ask What They're Searching For
One of Ellen’s messages was that looking at your teenager’s search history only tells you part of the story. Algorithms can determine what appears in a young person’s feed without them actively searching for it. What they pause on, watch or engage with can influence what they are shown next.
Rather than asking “Are you seeing anything bad online?”, which is unlikely to get you very far, Ellen suggested something much more practical:
Sit down together and ask them to show you their feed.
Scroll through it with them. Ask what they like, what they find funny, what their friends are watching and whether anything uncomfortable or upsetting ever appears. It can give you a much better insight into their online world without immediately turning the conversation into an interrogation.
Check Their Location Settings
This is one parents can do today. Ellen highlighted live location sharing on social media. Teenagers may see it as a useful way for friends to know where they are, without necessarily considering who else may be able to access that information.
Her advice was simple: check which apps are sharing your teenager’s location and who can see it, and disable it. If you want location sharing within your family, consider using a setting or service where that information is restricted to the people you have chosen.
Could They Have Secret Accounts?
Multiple accounts are common among teenagers and don't necessarily mean they're hiding something, but Ellen explained that some young people may have an account their parents know about and another they use with friends. She also highlighted hidden apps, which can look like something completely innocent, such as a calculator vault, but can be used to conceal photos or other content.
The bigger message? Don't assume that what you can see on their phone is necessarily their whole online world.
Parental Controls Are Worth Using, But They're Not the Whole Answer
One parent asked whether parental controls are actually worth bothering with when teenagers are often far more technologically savvy than we are.
Ellen's answer was yes. Use the safety features available to you.
They won't remove every risk and teenagers may find ways around some restrictions, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't use them. She recommended Internet Matters, which has step by step guides for individual apps, games, devices, parental controls and privacy settings. Internet Matters parental controls and safety guides
Create Some Phone Free Time
Ellen's advice was refreshingly simple: phones don't need to be everywhere.
Keep them away from the dinner table, when friends come round, consider putting everyone's phones in a basket for a while, and charge them downstairs rather than in bedrooms overnight.
Create ordinary parts of family life where everyone puts their devices down and actually talks to one another. And that means us too. As Ellen pointed out during the conversation, adults can find phones incredibly addictive as well. Small boundaries can create more space for being together without a screen, conversation and sleep.
Make Talking Normal Before Something Goes Wrong
Perhaps the loveliest practical idea Ellen shared was something she and Jools had done since he was at primary school. They had three little stones representing the good, difficult and ordinary parts of the day. They would each talk about something that had happened, and Ellen would answer too. The ritual continued, in different forms, into Jools’ teenage years.
You don't need the stones. The point is to create small, regular opportunities to talk, rather than waiting until you're worried and announcing “we need to talk.”
Teenagers don't always tell us things when they happen. But if talking is already part of family life, the door is there when they are ready.
Tell Them They Can Always Come to You
Our teenagers need to know that if something does go wrong online, they can tell us.
They may have clicked something they shouldn't have, shared something they regret, been contacted by somebody who makes them uncomfortable, or found themselves frightened by something they've seen. Ellen's advice was to talk about these possibilities before they happen and make it clear that coming to you won't make things worse.
That conversation matters because fear, embarrassment or worry about getting into trouble can make it much harder for a teenager to ask for help.
You Can't Know Everything. Keep Talking Anyway.
One of the hardest realities for parents is that we cannot monitor every message, every account, every game or every piece of content our teenager encounters.
Ellen was emphatic about that. It simply isn't realistic to watch over a teenager's shoulder all the time. So alongside privacy settings, parental controls and family rules, one of our most important tools is still the relationship we have with our child.
Be curious about their online life. Learn about the platforms they're using. Put boundaries in place. And keep having the difficult conversations, even when you'd rather not.
As Ellen said at the end of the session, the conversations we have with our children need to constantly evolve as the world they are growing up in changes too.
Three Things to Check on Their Phone Tonight
We asked Ellen for her top three things she would do tonight:
Turn off live location, particularly on social media apps.
Check settings around continuous scrolling, autoplay and personalised feeds.
Look beyond the obvious social media apps, including gaming, music (Spotify for porn) and other platforms with messaging or content sharing.
Watch Now
Watch the full session Teens, Tech & Online Safety: What Parents Can’t Always See with Ellen Roome MBE in the Let's All Talk Mental Health Hub here.
Resources
Jools’ Law – Find out more about Ellen’s campaigning for children’s online safety and greater accountability around children’s digital lives.
Follow Ellen Roome on Instagram
Internet Matters – Practical guides to individual apps and games, parental controls, privacy settings and online safety.
NSPCC Online Safety – Advice for parents on talking to children about their online lives.
CEOP – Where to report concerns about online sexual abuse, grooming or worrying online contact.
Childline and Internet Watch Foundation Report Remove – Support for young people who are worried about sexual images of themselves that have been shared online.