Parenting Teens & Change: Staying Calm, Connected and One Step Ahead

Teenagers have always had a lot to deal with, but the pressures they face are changing, and for many young people, growing up today feels particularly tough.

It’s in the news this week, with Professor Peter Fonagy, who is leading an independent review into young people’s mental health, ADHD and autism. He tells the BBC that the rise in mental distress among young people is real. Around one in four 16 to 24 year olds are now struggling with their mental health.

The timing couldn't have been more relevant for our latest session with Dr Sheila Redfern, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and author of How to Hug a Cactus. Dr Redfern has previously worked with Professor Fonagy and absolutely agrees with what he says in his interview. “We do need to take what young people are telling us seriously, rather than dismissing them as a snowflake generation.”

With CAMHS services under enormous pressure, parents, carers and educators have a bigger role to play.

So what does our role as parents look like as our children become teenagers? They want more freedom, more privacy and, quite often, a lot less input from us. It can be tricky territory. We want them to become independent, but we're still responsible for keeping them safe. We want them to make their own decisions, but sometimes we can see trouble coming a mile off. And we want to stay close, even when they seem determined to push us away.

Dr Redfern said, there isn't an algorithm for getting it right, but there are ways we can adapt how we parent as our teenagers grow, without losing the connection they still very much need.

Here are some of the many brilliant snippets from her conversation with us, which we hope you watch on replay.

They Still Need You (Even When It Doesn't Feel Like It)

As teenagers become more independent, it can feel as though you’ve suddenly become surplus to requirements. They spend more time in their rooms, tell us less and increasingly turn to their friends. Allow them some space, but don't step back too far. Teenagers still need their parents and carers, but it just looks different. Keep making those small connections and reminding them that you're interested, available and there when they need you.

Meet Them Where They Are

Teenagers mature at very different rates, so try not to measure them against their friends or what you were doing at the same age.

Look at what your teenager is actually ready for. Sometimes they may need a little more scaffolding and hand-holding than you expected. Other times, they need the chance to take a risk, try something and discover what they're capable of.

And give them an exit route. If they go to the party or festival and hate it, they can call you. Sometimes just knowing they can change their mind makes it easier to take that step.

Start With a ‘Mind Check’

Before reacting to something your teenager has done, Dr Redfern suggests checking what's happening in your own head first:

What am I thinking? What am I feeling? And where is that coming from?

It's easy to catastrophise about exams, friendships, relationships, going out or their future. But our fears aren't necessarily theirs. Getting our own emotions under control makes it much easier to work out what our teenager actually needs from us.

Keep the Warmth AND the Boundaries

More independence doesn't mean no boundaries.

Dr Redfern talked about being authoritative rather than authoritarian. You can understand why they want to stay out late and still say: “I need you to message me when you're leaving.” You can listen to their point of view and still sometimes say no. The important bit is keeping the warmth alongside the boundary: I understand you, I've got your back, and here's the limit.

Don't Start With ‘We Need to Talk’

Whether it's sleep, homework, going out or tech, avoid making every issue into a big announcement. Instead of “We need to talk about your phone”, try “How are you sleeping at the moment?” or “How do you actually feel after you've been scrolling for ages?” Several small conversations can be far more effective than one big confrontation – particularly if they help your teenager start noticing for themselves what might need to change.

It's OK to Get It Wrong

Perhaps you encouraged them to go to the party. They went, hated it and came home telling you it was all your fault. Take it on the chin.

“I got that wrong. You knew yourself better than I did.”

We don't have to defend every parenting decision. Admitting when we've misjudged something shows our teenagers that we respect them – and models taking responsibility too.

What If You Dread Talking to Your Teenager?

One parent asked what to do when you genuinely dread talking to your teenager because you're expecting anger, rejection or an argument.

Dr Redfern suggested looking first at where that fear is coming from and rebuilding your confidence in your role as a parent. Your teenager may want to be listened to and treated with more respect as they grow up, but respect works both ways. You can take their views seriously while still expecting them to listen to and respect you.

Keep Showing Up

There will be times when we step in when we should have backed off, give them freedom and wish we hadn't, or simply say the wrong thing. That's parenting teenagers.

They need space to become independent, make decisions and sometimes get things wrong. But they also need us there in the background, interested, available, setting limits when they're needed and ready to catch them when things don't quite go to plan.

Keep talking, keep listening and keep showing up. Even when they appear to be pushing you away.

Watch Now

Watch the full session Parenting Teens & Change: Staying Calm, Connected and One Step Ahead with Dr Sheila Redfern on the Let's All Talk Mental Health hub here.

Resources

Dr Sheila Redfern – Consultant Clinical Psychologist specialising in working with children, young people and families.

Book: How to Hug a Cactus – Reflective Parenting with Teenagers in Mind by Dr Sheila Redfern.