Could It Be SEND
Understanding ADHD, Autism & Neurodiversity & School
Parents often sense that something isn’t quite right long before anyone else does. Their teenager may struggle with organisation, friendships, sensory overwhelm or change, or they might look like they are flying at school, but then come home and everything falls apart.
In our latest live session, Clinical Psychologist Dr Netali Levi talked about SEND, ADHD, autism and neurodiversity, what parents might notice, and how we can support teenagers, with or without a diagnosis.
SEND, SEN and Neurodiversity – What Do They Actually Mean?
SEN means Special Educational Needs, while SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) includes learning needs alongside physical, medical and sensory needs. Neurodiversity is broader, recognising that our brains work in many different ways.
ADHD, autism, dyslexia and dyspraxia can all sit within this picture, but every young person is different. Netali described executive functioning as “the manager of your brain” and suggested thinking of autism less as a straight-line spectrum and more like a pizza. Different slices can represent areas such as sensory sensitivities, social communication, and managing change and predictability. The slices can be different sizes for each young person, reflecting their own individual pattern of strengths and difficulties.
The important question isn’t simply what label applies, but, what does this young person find difficult and what do they need?
What Should Parents Look Out For?
Teenagers are naturally emotional, forgetful and sometimes overwhelmed, so look at how long something has been happening, how persistent it is and how much it affects everyday life.
For example, you might notice:
Difficulties with organisation or getting started
Finding change or transitions particularly hard
Sensory sensitivities
Going from “0 to 100” emotionally
Difficulties with friendships
Becoming particularly exhausted by school or dreading going
Secondary school can make existing difficulties more obvious as demands on organisation, independence and social skills increase.
Some teens work incredibly hard to appear fine at school. Netali described it as a swan gliding across the surface while working furiously below. So ask: Are they coping and at what cost?
Sitting With Feelings
Our instinct is often to fix things or offer solutions. Sometimes teenagers simply need to hear: “That sounds tough” or “That can’t have been easy.”
Netali reminded us that sitting with your teenager’s feelings is an action. Feeling understood can calm their nervous system; problem-solving can come later. Sometimes a drink, a hug, watching something together or “I’m here when you want me” is enough.
Focus on their Strengths
Don’t focus only on what’s difficult. Look at what comes naturally and what makes your teenager feel good about themselves; creativity, music, sport, friendships, problem-solving or a particular interest.
Build those protective things into their life too: good friends, enjoyable activities and places where they feel competent and comfortable being themselves.
Potatoes into Chips
If something feels like a mountain, Netali suggested helping teenagers “turn potatoes into chips” by breaking it into smaller, manageable chunks. That might mean breaking homework into individual tasks, using a visual timetable or helping with transitions. The aim is to scaffold rather than take over, giving enough support now so they can gradually do more themselves.
And don’t try everything at once. Choose one or two strategies, give them time to become habits, then build from there.
Connection Before Correction
Netali’s biggest message at home was connection before correction. Connection doesn’t need a big conversation. It might happen while driving, watching a favourite programme, playing sport or even joining them in a computer game.
Think of a “connection bank account”. Those small moments are deposits, helping maintain the relationship they need when other parts of life feel difficult.
Big Emotions
If your teenager becomes very dysregulated, become a detective. Were they exhausted? Sensory overwhelmed? Had something happened with friends? Look for the build-up and triggers, not just the behaviour.
Teenagers sometimes need to “borrow our calm”. One parent found it helpful to imagine that underneath their large, angry teenager was “a frightened little puppy” a reminder of the vulnerability that can sit beneath anger. If physical aggression is frequent, however, seek additional professional support.
Boundaries, Rupture and Repair
Understanding why a teenager is struggling doesn’t mean accepting every behaviour. Keep boundaries simple: “You might not want to talk to me, and that’s OK, but I expect you to speak to me politely.”
And when things go wrong, remember “rupture and repair”. Arguments happen; coming back afterwards, taking responsibility and apologising strengthens relationships.
Netali’s golden rule for apologies which your teenager will truly hear? No “buts”. “I’m sorry I shouted, but…” takes the apology straight back. Own your part and leave it there. It may not feel like it at the time, but it will really mean something to your teen and also models taking responsibility to them.
Negative Thinking
Rather than trying to force positivity or argue against every negative thought, help your teenager notice what’s happening: “I’ve noticed you’re feeling a bit glass-half-empty at the moment.”
Then ask gentle curious questions if they are open to it. Is this happening a lot? What makes it worse? What might be underneath it? The aim isn’t to convince them everything is fine, but to understand how they genuinely feel.
Talk to School & Be Specific
If you’re noticing patterns at home, particularly if your teenager seems to be working overly hard to hold it together at school, it’s worth talking to school to build a fuller picture. You don’t need to wait for a diagnosis to start that conversation or ask what support might help.
Start with the form tutor, a teacher who knows your teenager well or the school’s SENCO – Special Educational Needs Coordinator. Rather than “They’re struggling”, give specific examples: “They can’t organise their homework,” “They lose concentration quickly,” or “Moving between classrooms is difficult.”
Then ask: “What have you noticed?” Parents and schools see teenagers in different environments. Netali described it as putting different pieces of the puzzle together.
Do We Need a Diagnosis?
A teenager doesn’t necessarily need a diagnosis to receive support. For some, a diagnosis can open doors to support and help them understand: “This is how my brain works.” For others, a label may feel uncomfortable or stigmatising.
Consider the cost versus benefit for your teenager. Would it help them, help school understand them or unlock support? And what feels right now may be different in a year’s time.
Keep Hope
Netali’s final pearl of wisdom was about holding two things at once. Teenagers need us to understand that something genuinely is hard for them, while also holding hope for them that with time, practice and the right support, things can change.
They need us to understand how difficult it feels today – while continuing to believe in what they can develop tomorrow.
Watch Now
Watch the full session Could It Be SEND? Understanding ADHD, Autism & Neurodiversity & School with Dr Netali Levi on the Let’s All Talk Mental Health hub here.
Resources
Contact Dr Netali Levi, at Integrated Psychology Clinic
Autism
National Autistic Society – Information and support for autistic young people and their families.
Book by Author, Cathy Wassell: Nurturing Your Autistic Young Person
ADHD and Executive Functioning
Book by Authors Richard Guare, Peg Dawson & Colin Guare: Smart but Scattered Teens
How to ADHD – Short videos explaining ADHD and practical strategies.
ADDitude – Parenting Children with ADHD – Practical advice for parents.
Understood – ADHD – Information and strategies for ADHD and executive functioning.
Dyslexia and Literacy Difficulties
Book by Author, Valerie Muter: The Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Supporting Your Child with Literacy Difficulties
British Dyslexia Association – Information on dyslexia, assessment and support.